tHe fLiRt FiLeS

Really Touching

2011-11-03T09:00:00.000Z

"But, have I really touched you?" she asks.

Sense of Rumour

2011-11-02T21:31:00.001Z

Guy 1: "Why didn't you ask her out again?"

Guy 2: "She has a great sense of rumour!"

Mushy Meltdown

2011-08-15T20:03:00.000Z

Keep at your daily denial

I'll milk your mushy meltdown

The Surprise

2011-08-05T06:35:00.000Z

I love it when you ask me
What dress to wear tomorrow
It gets even more maddening
When you resist the urge
To tell me what it looks like
And admit your intentions with
"It'll ruin the surprise."

Guy Chases Girl You Know

2011-07-23T12:27:00.002Z

The awkward pain of seeing a slimeball chase a girl you know.

First-Date-Kissable Kind of Girl

2011-07-08T16:27:00.000Z

She's the kind of girl you kiss on a first date.

Mistaken Identity

2011-07-04T18:21:00.003Z

Leaning on the counter, I stare at you.

Like a long lost puppy you stare back at me.

I seductively stare at you.

You stare longingly at me.

You step closer and close the divide which is tearing us apart.

It beats faster and faster; yes my heart.

You look at me with a quizzical look.

I know you what you want, I can read you like a book.

You draw even closer, bend down and squint your eyes.

State of confusion; now I'm shocked and surprised.

While bent over squinting, your expression I cannot read.

Then she exclaims, oh s**t, the burger bun does has sesame seeds.

My Neighbour's Wife

2011-06-25T20:50:00.002Z

My neighbour's wife has taken the week off AGAIN.
She stays back at home all day.
She gets bored around midday.
And she comes out to get some air.

She-Devil in a Blue Dress

2011-06-25T20:48:00.001Z

Everywhere I go I see a she-devil in a blue dress.

Your Hubby Gave Me Your Number

2011-06-21T19:19:00.001Z

At a cocktail, a stranger is showing too much interest in a married woman who is attending with her bottle-loving husband.

"I'm not sure about giving you my number," she said.

"Too late; your husband gave it to me," he replied.

"What! How did you get him to ... "

"Oh easy. You're an interior decor woman no? I told him I wanted you in my heart, sorry, house".

Only One Night

2011-04-09T10:47:00.003Z

She
I can only give you one night, can't promise beyond that.

He
One night! All I need's a few hours.

She
You're very confident.

He
That you'd want to see me again? Of that, I'm sure.

Eye Candy

2011-03-08T16:39:00.003Z

She walked past, eyes fixed forward.

She smiles, drops her head and turns to the side.

She knows I know that she stole a glance.

She walks past again, on her way back to her seat....

or maybe to give her eyes another treat.

Missing the Kissing

2011-02-26T13:20:00.001Z

Baby, I’m missing

your touch and lips, when they’re kissing

mine, and melting me into an abyss n

haters, the haters are hissing

and huffing and dissing

as we’re falling and a-blissing

and our love begins to sing.

Demanding Lips

2011-02-21T17:33:00.002Z

He took one look at her pic and said, "Her lips are so demanding."

The Face Behind a Kiss

2011-02-09T07:32:00.001Z

The best way to hide your face is behind a kiss!

Claiming You

2011-01-22T14:21:00.000Z

At the Mall:

He meets a lovely girl and simply smiles and says to her:

I'm claiming you tonight!

May I Take Your Picture?

2010-12-16T08:18:00.000Z

He - Hello, may I take a picture of you?

She - I don't know you. Besides, it too dark in here.

He - You have 10-mega-pixel beauty. The picture should be fine.

She - You have 100 volts of cockiness. Go take the picture.

If I Dropped My Pants

2010-12-10T20:22:00.000Z

He - What of yours would you drop if I dropped my pants?

She - My jaw, I guess!

A Lovely Couple

2010-12-07T18:44:00.000Z

She said to us, "You look like a lovely couple."

Yes, lovely we looked, but all the time they were looking at us from their table, they knew we were not an actual couple? Could everybody else tell?

Shiver Me Timbers!!!

2010-11-29T17:12:00.002Z

Rock my boat,

Board my ship,

Walk my plank,

Make me say Aaaarrrghh!

Booty's for sitting on

2010-11-18T19:44:00.002Z

You came to show me your booty, that's why you wouldn't sit down.

Stale

2010-11-10T10:03:00.002Z

there's nothing that can replace

the journey of firsts

the first look, first touch,

first conversation, first kiss,

first fight, first obstacle....

so when you run out of firsts, does that mean the journey is done?

On seeing jobs instead of bags

2010-11-01T19:03:00.000Z

Fabulously fashionable handbags at gorgeously low prices.

Chemistry

2010-10-23T13:36:00.000Z

Man's Friend:

How do you know already that you're made for each other?

Man:

We have more chemistry than a giant science lab.

friendly murmurs

2010-10-20T15:26:00.000Z

You wonder why I keep him near,

Why I insist You should not fear,

because my heart is yours alone

but for him, I have some thoughts

he is my friend, and may always be

but in my heart you'll reign supreme

The Ease of Liking a Doctor

2010-10-17T11:40:00.002Z

As she stormed out of the barroom, he shouted after her:

"It's best if you make time for me, Dr Sue. Or I'd just have to cut a finger everyday."

Little John and Randy

2010-10-10T16:57:00.003Z

Woman 1:

I can never get enough.

Woman 2:

What was your Ex's name again?

Woman 1:

Little John

Woman 2:

And what is your Current's name?

Woman 1:

Randy.

No WYSIWYG Man

2010-10-09T23:37:00.000Z

Why do you love him?

Because with him, what you see is not what you get.

Below the Belt

2010-10-06T19:53:00.003Z

She
OMG! You have a belt today!

He
Yes, I do. But why did you look down there?

Teaching Her to Smile

2010-09-29T23:13:00.002Z

She said it was I who taught her how to smile!

Say My Name

2010-09-24T07:24:00.000Z

Remember to say my name when you ask God for good things.

Is that a line?

No. It's my prayer before your prayer.

Is That What Your Wife Thinks?

2010-09-22T00:01:00.002Z

So what does your wife think about us?

She knows we're excellent friends, and we click like wine glasses.

Hard On - Deal Breaker

2010-09-19T22:17:00.001Z

When her best efforts had failed, she gave up and crossed the floor to shake hands with him. "We have a deal", said she. In response, he said "I never have a hard on before the deal is sealed."

Line of Work

2010-09-02T23:20:00.003Z

She:
So, what's your line of work?

He:
For you, I'm a footballer: fast, skilful, strong, and in tight pants.

Just laugh if u can!

2010-09-01T09:06:00.002Z

Two office mates caught by the guard having sex.

Guard: Aha, violeting Company Rule!

Man: What Rule?

Guard: Not wearing uniforms!

Two Garbage Bags!

2010-08-30T14:55:00.000Z

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20
notes falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Damn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
"You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next
to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and
pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence
with my hedge clippers. Each time a guy sticks his thing through the
fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.
"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the
way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".

Girls Like Talent

2010-08-27T07:07:00.004Z

In college, I once went to the room of a girl-in-demand. I went with my roommate. There we met another guy (yes, she was in demand), and the girl's roommates. Her roommates were lovely too.

We discovered that the other guy was an Artist and I a Poet. But my roommate - he had no ready talent. So Artist and Poet were the toast of the girl's roommates. But my own roommate, we did not even see him leave - he was just toast!

Artist and Poet did not get the girl, but we remain friends to this day.

Jane Doe - Man Besotted

2010-08-26T17:41:00.007Z

Office mate, don't call Jane Doe.
That was the good advice.
She'll say no, no more dates.

It's just to see if she's well, he says.

Office mate, no! Don't call her please.
Office mate, it's for your own pride!

Okay, if you say so, he says.

Next day Office mate walks in.
He does not look that tres bien.
He admits he called Jane Doe!

Jane Doe - No Show

2010-08-24T16:35:00.001Z

Jane Doe rode with my colleague
Till they were at the car park
Jane Doe would not get out
She said she was suddenly sick
Colleague finally took her home
When we analysed the facts
It was the way he was poorly dressed
Jane Doe is a colourful doll
Colleague is not even Joe Bloggs.

Jane Doe

2010-08-20T17:19:00.002Z

My colleague's got a wet-cold-night date with "Jane Doe".

Ontological!

2010-08-15T13:14:00.002Z

I'm texting my cousin to say what's up. He says he's with 'this' girl. We both know she's bad for him. He texts back to say he can't help it - it's ontological. What????

Weekend Women!

2010-08-13T21:27:00.000Z

freaky friday's flirtatious females
feloniously following friends' fellows

sunny saturday's stunners stare so seductively,
sucking sweets smiling suggestively

sunday's solemn sisters sit softly
silently soaking serendipitous sermons

Today's Menu

2010-08-13T07:48:00.003Z

The Head of my love is Physical.
The Heart of my love is Flirtatious.
The Hand of my love is Naughty.
The Leg of my love is Impulsive.
And that's today's menu.

You make me go out of my way

2010-08-12T07:41:00.002Z

You make me go out of my way
As a passion test
But that is so obvious today
I've feigned and impressed

Barroom Manners

2010-08-08T12:29:00.003Z

She sits down and signals the bartender. The guy to her right turns to look at her. Then he looks down to contemplate his glass. She hears him say, "You're so fine". Such rudeness. Such a corny line. She says "buzz off" with a throw of her hand, and moves to a barstool a little further on the other side of him. As she sits, from the corner of her eye, she sees him 'buzz off' his phone. He'd been speaking to his 'Pretty', and she'd been earwigging!

He Couldn't Touch Me

2010-08-07T14:49:00.003Z

Why did you leave him?

I discovered new things about me he just couldn't touch.

A Good Morning

2010-08-06T07:05:00.000Z

While giving a girl lift my phone rang

Answering, ''mornin' baby...'' my voice sang

...I love you too and then I hung up

Closer the girl came, my right ear she cupped

Softly she whispered...I smiled with glee

She said, 'I can be your baby too, if you want me'

A Real Man

2010-08-05T06:00:00.000Z

Why do you like him?
Because he is real.
What makes him real?
He was staring at me across the room.
He walked over to say hello.
He said it was my body he was mad about
And if I wasn't such a lady
He'd have loved me too.

Why Did You Marry Him

2010-08-04T06:47:00.003Z

Young Woman:
Why did you marry him?

Older Woman:
You see,
My Father, he was rich
My Father, he liked that boy
My Father, I saw his will by chance
That Boy, he was getting one half
And I, his daughter, the other
My Father, I wanted all his wealth
That Boy, that's why I married him
Then by father died by chance.
And my husband lies buried in France.

J'adore Singapore

2010-07-30T18:18:00.000Z

I was dreaming of Singapore
Long before this dawn
Then a girl beeped me on the net
And she was from Singapore

Leg Divide

2010-07-29T20:19:00.002Z

after waiting two days
and thinking both ways
you won't call - i decide
there'll be no leg divide

Flight Stewardess

2010-07-28T17:16:00.002Z

She scolded a difficult man
And put the others in their seats
She asked me my name
And walked me down the narrow aisle
Something seemed to ignite
For she sat next to me
After serving snacks
Between intros and her life's plans
She wrote her number on my napkin.

She's Gone!

2010-07-27T08:16:00.002Z

In the wee hours of today,
she took a quick bath,
I think I saw fear in her eyes
and she said she was going.

Going back to her parents,
was she running away from me,
or from her fear,
her fear of wanting me too...

Oh, this my wife's sister!

My wife's sister!

2010-07-26T08:05:00.001Z

I see her, everyday
short skirts, beautiful behind,
sexy eyes.

I think she might know,
that I made a mistake,
she might want me too!

Primary School Stuff!

2010-07-19T15:49:00.001Z

Anyone ever come across this at Grade 3?

I stood beneath the moon alone
To count the stars at night
For me it was impossible
Although they were so bright...

Angel Looking to Fall

2010-07-13T19:46:00.003Z

I've done well lately resisting you. Now let them bring another angel. I'm dying to fall.

Cold as ever!

2010-07-12T10:41:00.001Z

It creeps on your toes first and freeze them.

Then the whole body gets numb.

Once you are cold, you get depressed.

I really wish it was summer!

Raw Animal Seduction Pure

2010-07-07T16:23:00.003Z

She has this faint, late-afternoon, acrid body smell
Which curiously makes me want her the more
I wonder: is this an ancient secret spell
Or is it raw, animal seduction pure

2010-07-06T10:56:00.003Z

Typical macho man, married good looking woman. After the wedding, he categorically laid down the following rules:

1. I will be home when I want, If I want, at whatever time I want.
2. I do not expect any hassles from you, I expect very good dinner on the table every evening, unless if I tell you not to.
3. I shall go hunting, boozing, card playing, watch soccer games etc, when i want, with whoever I want and I dont expect any calls asking me to come home.

"Any questions?" the macho man asked the new wife afterwards.

"Not really," the wife said, "just know that there will be sex in this house everyday at 7pm whether you are here or not!"

Memorandum

2010-07-02T13:31:00.002Z

From: Penpowder
To: All readers of this blog
Subject: Africa v The World

Please note that I am now leaving my desk to watch one of our numerous battles against the world. Today, I am confident that our representative, Ghana, will do the job against the South Americans. By Monday, the world should have learnt its first lesson from us.

Thank you

Mother of six!

2010-07-01T09:44:00.002Z

Hubby habitually calls wife "Mother of six" to her utter dismay. At a party, wanting to go home, he shouts at the top of his voice "Mother of six lets go home now", to which wife shouts back, "Ok, father of three!"

You Look Like My Cousin

2010-06-25T10:45:00.002Z

When many women make a cold-start approach, you always look like their brother, cousin or friend.

The Usual

2010-06-24T15:33:00.000Z

You haven't given me the usual, today.

Song in Her Body

2010-06-23T06:00:00.000Z

Why do you love her?
Because she walks with a song in her body!

Poetry in Your Soul

2010-06-22T10:59:00.002Z

Why do you love me?
Because you have poetry in your soul!

Thinking of Calling Me

2010-06-21T18:57:00.002Z

- How many times did you think of calling me last weekend? Be honest, I felt it too...

- Zero. But twice I thought of texting you...

Unreasonable reasonable!

2010-06-20T14:11:00.001Z

The Law Society of Zimbabwe says you should bill a client within a reasonable time after performance of work. How much is reasonable time?

Beaustupid Girl!

2010-06-20T14:09:00.001Z

I saw her moving acroos town huffing and puffing on a soiled cigaret. Such looks, so much waste...

Wink Three Times

2010-06-20T12:58:00.001Z

- Did you just wink at me 3 times?

- Did you notice all 3 times?

A Solicited Ride

2010-06-19T08:54:00.002Z

Will you give me a ride in your big car?
I'll get off before we go too far.

Loaded Chat

2010-06-15T20:52:00.002Z

Chatting with you for 1 hour is like reading 10 books.

Suggestive Introduction

2010-06-14T07:27:00.002Z

Married older woman with hubby sitting a metre away, why did your eyes flutter half-shut when I was introduced to you, huh?

Because I Never Break Up

2010-06-07T22:45:00.001Z

She always had natural, handsome good looks. He asked her, "Do you ever [use] make up?" She countered, "No, because I never break up!"

Girl from Geneva

2010-06-04T09:35:00.000Z

I chased after her halfway across the city to have cocktails and pizza. Was it because of her height or the way she brushed her hair tightly at the sides and left the top wild?

Infrequent Relations

2010-05-21T08:22:00.001Z

Last night at a bar...

Female Blogger: We haven't related in a year!

Male Blogger: Can we relate tonight?

Treat Them Mean

2010-05-19T07:53:00.002Z

Treat them mean
To keep them keen?
The mind of a fool!
It's so uncool!

On Your Mind Today

2010-05-11T07:10:00.002Z

Watching you watching me...
Straightening your back...
Pointing your boobs...
Picking your path...
To meet with mine...
Taking the lift...
Me taking the stairs...
I say "Wouldn't you rather take the stairs?"
I know you don't hear me...
But you smile for/with me anyway...
A coy smile...
I know what will take your thoughts today...

Hard is the Heart...

2010-05-04T07:02:00.002Z

Hard is the Heart I'm loving lots in May!

Hop In

2010-04-26T14:03:00.002Z

"Pretty Girl, Pretty Girl, hop into my car quickly. You mustn't be seen in a place like this!"

The Singing Sharpener

2010-04-23T18:34:00.002Z

There's this sharpener in my office
Which sings happy songs after every sharpening
When you pull out the pencil

There's this girl in my office
Who likes to sharpen her pencils
At least five times a day.

Pink, Town, Gown

2010-04-17T22:11:00.006Z

Woman in pink all over town
Won't you arouse in my morning gown?

Crossing Legs

2010-04-17T00:05:00.003Z

If you cross your legs before I walk in
I'll cross my heart not to look in between

Like a Child

2010-04-07T08:27:00.000Z

Hugging me to your bosom, and saying I'm like a child...

Cheating on me with Your Boyfriend

2010-03-29T20:39:00.001Z

don't come smiling
and hugging me
in the morning,
woman.
you were cheating
on me last night
with your boyfriend,
i know that.

One Hour With You

2010-03-26T00:02:00.003Z

I only seek one hour with you; no more.
My words will unlock any woman's door.

i can see the sea

2010-03-25T12:22:00.002Z

the waves come up and kiss the shore
waves are fleeting, i need more
the tide comes in and fills my moat
thats what i need girl; float my boat.

Dancing with a Virgin

2010-03-22T18:08:00.002Z

I was dancing with a virgin (everybody says so) at the beach. They said the same thing about her last year. She'd not even dance with anybody else but me. It made me feel like I was her first love, until she said 'things' had changed about her since last year. I keep wondering who 'danced' first with her.

Bosom Friend

2010-03-15T18:40:00.000Z

She: But, you are my bosom friend...

He: Ho, have I seen your bosom before?

The Scrotum Flavour

2010-03-13T19:43:00.004Z

At the ice-cream shop,
The girl in front of me asks the assistant:
Which ones have the nuts,
And I join her conversation, and say
The "scrotum flavour".
It just pops out of my mouth.

In the Club

2010-03-07T00:35:00.000Z

Her gap-tooth gleaming gripped my heart.

Why I Didn't Pick You

2010-03-05T07:35:00.005Z

O sultry neighbourhood girl,
I'd just broken wonderful wind
In my rolled-up car
When I saw you standing there
Melting your eyes on me
So, how could I give you a ride
In last night's hamburger essence?

Every Woman Inch of You

2010-02-25T07:12:00.001Z

You've got the kind of body that was made to give a man a lot of pleasure...every inch of you that's woman makes me that much more a man

(Lines from one of my fave Kenny Rogers songs)

Phone-tasies

2010-02-24T12:37:00.002Z

I just don't know why
I can't picture you in clothes
When we're talking on the phone.

Playing Hard to Get (The Same Old Song)

2010-02-21T18:10:00.002Z

Spend every night asking about me
When I call, pretend not to know me
After 10 minutes, offer a weak recall
When I hang up, I'll never call again
This silly ritual of playing hard to get
Only makes you "the same old song"

Pole Position

2010-02-09T20:01:00.004Z

i was competing for her affection
after an outing i pulled her in my direction
'baby, how can i make pole position?'
'easy', she replied, 'adjust your pole's position.'

Jesus & Cleavage

2010-02-07T19:52:00.002Z

"He loves Jesus and cleavage", a description of a soldier that I just saw in a movie!

The Link

2010-02-06T23:47:00.001Z

- What would you like to drink?

- Don't know. What d'you think?

She gives him a 'wicked' wink

But he fails to make the link!

One-Dimple Girl

2010-02-02T17:53:00.002Z

One-Dimple Girl, I can screw another one for you!

Grape Erection

2010-01-23T13:43:00.000Z

He said at dinner, “Grapes give me an erection.” She came back, “May I have some too?” He closed, “Do you want an erection too?”

Baby and a baby

2010-01-20T14:34:00.001Z

This morn, you looked at me and called me a baby. Tens years ago in school, you used to call me "Baby".